Basic Instructions

Well I wasn't going to just post nothing.

2008-07-16T21:50:24Z

I wanted to put something on the site, and due to my site's Neanderthal navigation system (I'm looking into options to fix it) there are many readers who haven't seen this particular strip.

Do yourself a favor. Go see Wall-E.

How to Fake a Smile (Repeat)

2008-07-16T21:46:12Z

Sorry for the rerun. There'll be a fresh strip on Monday.

Last Instructions

In other news ...

2008-07-14T01:19:58Z

Due to my technical problems, my production schedule is off. As such there will be no fresh strip Thursday the 17th.

Sorry about that.

A job that suits your interests

2008-07-14T01:18:04Z

Today's strip is about finding a job that suits your interests. Seems like a good excuse to talk about Walt Disney World some more.

Walt Disney World is constantly changing. New attractions are constantly being built. Old attractions are constantly being refined or destroyed to make room. This is the way Walt himself intended it. Usually the changes are small and widely deemed necessary but occasionally the changes are large and unfortunate.

Recently, Disney announced that it is closing down Pleasure Island, it's adult-oriented entertainment complex. Pleasure Island consists of several dance clubs, none of which were profitable, and two unique comedy venues that still get large crowds.

One of the comedy venues is the Comedy Warehouse, a comedy club where a team of improvisational comedians perform. There's great improv in many cities, but the comedy warehouse is unique in it's ability to offer performers a full time job as improvisers. This has caused the cast of the warehouse to become an incredibly sharp, experienced group who puts on a shockingly slick and reliable show. I should also point out that the building itself is the most beautifully designed comedy club I've ever seen. It's not perfect, but every seat faces the stage. There's a sound/lighting booth on eye level with the stage. The seats are terraced stadium style, so it's rare for a server to block your view. Finally, there's a phone at the end of each row. When the performers need a suggestion they can dial a phone on the stage and one of the phones ring until the person sitting next to it answers.

The other venue is in many ways an even greater loss. The Adventurer's Club is a 1930's club for gentleman adventurer's that is holding an open house. Improvisers in character as adventurers mingle with the guests and occasionally split off into one of three specially designed rooms to do a more formal performance. The walls are covered with trophies from the member's various expeditions. Many of the mementos are capable of springing to life with little or no warning and there's one illusion built into the building itself that was designed for Disney by Doug Henning.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that my wife is a performer at the Comedy Warehouse. It's been a tough couple of weeks for her and her friends at the warehouse and the Adventurer's Club, but they are a talented group, and Disney is not without other opportunities for them.

My point is, if you're going to be anywhere near Orlando between now and September 27th, come out to Pleasure Island, while you still can.

How to Find a Job That Suits Your Interests

2008-07-14T00:30:24Z

Last Instructions

Suckage

2008-07-09T15:50:44Z

I'm a firm believer in sucking down. Sucking sideways can also be an effective strategy. When I worked in an office I made it my goal to leave all of my coworkers with the false impression that they were receiving preferential treatment, which can be described as "sucking in all directions".

My technological issues are resolved. More than one reader pointed out that I never would have had this problem if I'd used pirated software or cracked the DRM. I cannot disagree with that statement.

I took notes of my call to tech support, just because I thought it might be enjoyable for you to skim through.

3:06 PM: I call the number I was given the day before. All circuits busy

3:08 PM: I call again and get through

3:14 PM: I get through the phone maze to a human being. The customer ID number I was given the day before does not show up in their system. They ask for my name, address, phone number, e-mail address and serial number. I explain the problem.

3:19 PM: This person decides he cannot help me and escalates me to the "Dedicated Team.

3:21 PM: I reach Natasha at the "Dedicated Team" and give her my name, address, phone number, e-mail address and serial number. I also give her my activation number, which doesn't work.

3:24 PM: Natasha puts me on hold.

3:26 PM: Natasha comes back on the line to ask me if I mind being on hold.

3:27 PM: Natasha tells me she cannot help me and escalates me to the "Technical Team". She gives me their direct number, which is the number I called that escalated me to Natasha.

3:31 PM: At the "Technical Team" I get a man with a thick, hard to understand accent. He immediately puts me on hold.

3:40 PM: The man with the accent is named Alvin. Alvin asks for my name, address, phone number, e-mail address and serial number.

3:43 PM: It takes a long time to get the spelling of my e-mail address right.

3:49 PM: Alvin tells me to hold down the control key and shift, then left click twice. He asks me what happens. I say "nothing". He says "It didn't give you an activation number? I tell him. I already have an activation number. It's right here on the screen".

3:56 PM: He says my activation number is too long. I shut down Illustrator and open Photoshop. It's activation number is too long too.

4:01 PM: He gives me a code to enter. It doesn't work. He puts me on hold.

4:03 PM: He gives me a another code to enter. It doesn't work. He puts me on hold.

4:05 PM: Alvin comes on the line long enough to say "Gimme moment please", and I'm back on hold.

4:10 He comes back and asks for the serial number again. I have to give it to him three times because he keeps interrupting me mid number. He then gives me another code to enter, which works.

Huzzah!

How to Suck Down

2008-07-09T15:19:46Z

Last Instructions

An ironic bit of timing

2008-07-06T23:55:11Z

This week's strip mentions items that you don't think about until they let you down. I wrote it over a month ago and as I posted it today I was having trouble with something that had always been dependable, and as such I am dependant on it.

Let me start by saying that I LOVE the Adobe Creative Suite. You hear musicians talk about the feeling they got when they picked up their chosen instrument for the first time. That's how I felt when I first learned to use Adobe Illustrator. It (along with Photoshop and InDesign) has helped make Basic Instructions possible. At least it did until two days ago.

I tried to open Illustrator and got a message that there was a problem with my license. I attempted to reactivate online and couldn't. I chose not to call customer support on the Fourth of July, and was working on the fifth, so today (Sunday, the sixth) was the first chance I got. They asked for my customer number, which I don't know. They asked my name (which I do know) and phone number. Then they asked for my address. I gave them my current address, which they said was wrong. I gave them my last address, which was also wrong. I then listed every address I've ever had since I first laid eyes on Adobe Illustrator. No dice.

Finally the support person asked helpfully if I've ever lived in Virginia. I said no. He replied that the current address he had for me was in Virginia. He then asked for a company name. I told him the company the copy of CS2 is registered under. He said it was wrong and named some company I've never heard of.

I asked if there was some other piece of info I could give him to prove that I'm me. He asked for the software's serial number, which I had been looking at on my computer screen through this entire conversation, so we were in business.

He asked me to describe my problem and asked me a couple of probing questions. Then he told me that he was unable to help me and that he'd have to refer me to tech support, which is not open on Sunday, so I'd have to call back tomorrow.

As I write this I'm pretty much dead in the water. I'm downloading a 30 day trial of Adobe CS3 in hopes that I can produce strips on it until Adobe can get this sorted out. I will most likely not have a fresh strip for you this Thursday though. Sorry about that.

Now to answer a couple of questions about last strip.

I agree that They Might Be Giants is a great band. If you like them, but have never seen Gigantic, you should.

Yes, I did watch Voyager, and what's more, I enjoyed it! Why is that so hard to believe?!

How to Purchase a Flashlight

2008-07-06T22:36:29Z

Last Instructions

Oh young Meyer, there's so much I'd like to warn you about.

2008-07-02T22:39:12Z

This strip is based on a real experience I seem to have on a regular basis. I'm a sucker for these shows with a strong continuing narrative, but DVR's make it hard to discuss them without ruining the show for someone.

The first panel of this strip is actually a pretty good approximation of what my friend Rick and I looked like around the time Voyager was on the air. I don't miss my hair nearly as much as you might expect, but that's largely because I didn't really have good hair. I was at war with it most of the time. That said, I didn't take losing it well. My Dad is bald, all of my uncles on my Dad's side are bald, and my older brother was going bald, but I thought I would be the one to buck the trend.

I realized that the baldification process had begun one day while getting a haircut. The hair stylist was working on the top of my head and started pawing at the hair on the crown of my head in a confused manner. She looked at me puzzled and asked "When you got your last haircut, did you have them thin the hair out on top?"

I nonchalantly said something like "WHAT!?"

She asked again if I had paid someone to deliberately thin out my hair on top. She did not get a good tip.

How to Discuss a Television Show with Someone Who Hasn't seen It Recently

2008-07-02T22:15:10Z

Last Instructions

How to Complain About Work

2008-06-29T14:42:12Z

Last Instructions

If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it

2008-06-26T00:41:10Z

Okay, so I'm stealing from myself. "The Moby Dick Bit" is my favorite thing I ever wrote as a stand-up comic, and I didn't want to see it die. I may yet resurrect some other parts of my old act, but I have no plans to at the moment.

And yes, I'm aware that the title of this post is a misquote of Moby Dick. You'd think Capt. Picard of all people would get his literary quotes right.

I told you recently that I had been picked up by two more papers, but I only told you the name of one, the San Diego Reader. I'm now at liberty to announce that the other one is the San Francisco Weekly. Slowly my empire begins to take shape!

Two quick comments on the news. By now you've certainly heard that George Carlin has died. He was my favorite comic for the first ten years I was aware that stand-up existed. I memorized "Class Clown" and recited parts of it whenever my Mom wasn't around. It goes without saying that I was an irritating kid. He will be missed.

The other thing ... I read this morning that James Dyson, the inventor of this vacuum:

and this wheel barrow:

is working on an electric car. I immediately grabbed a post-it and doodled what this car will probably look like.

The future is a bright one, for people who want to drive around in a scrotum.

How to Analyze Classic Literature

2008-06-26T00:08:49Z

Last Instructions

How to Say "No" When Asked For an Unreasonable Favor

2008-06-23T00:25:49Z

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A short one.

2008-06-19T00:56:59Z

This will be a short news post, which is ironic, because I actually have much more news than usual. This news will be delivered in two parts, with the little news first, then the big news second.

The little news is that I've added some Amazon recommendations for items I use and endorse to my main page. I'm starting with three items:

"The Jimi wallet," which is the wallet I own and love like no other wallet I've ever owned.

Moleskine Notebooks, because a little pretension can be fun!

And "The Areas of my Expertise" by John Hodgman. If you haven't already read it, you should do so immediately.

That's the little news. The big news is that Basic Instructions has been picked up by two more papers! The San Diego Reader and the another paper to be named in the coming few days will soon be guilty by way of their association with me.

Allow me to mention yet again, I am the luckiest man on Earth.

How to Introduce People

2008-06-19T00:45:40Z

Last Instructions

One problem down.

2008-06-17T01:14:56Z

I've found a reader who speaks Spanish to help me, so never mind, and thanks to TE.

A tall glass of Shredded Wheat!

2008-06-16T23:46:44Z

Sorry for the delay on the news posting. The eccentricity I describe in this strip is indeed something I do every single day. a couple of people have already e-mailed me to say that they do it too. We're freaks, but we find strength in our solidarity.

I could use some assistance from a reader who speaks both English and Spanish well. If you meet that description, please email me at basicinst@gmail.com.

Here's a word cloud containing all of the words in the strip I just finished.

Go make your own!

How to Be Eccentric

2008-06-16T00:38:22Z

Last Instructions

Jeesh, even the title is wordy!

2008-06-12T02:50:13Z

This might be the most wordy, self indulgent strip I've ever produced. Sadly, it is almost a direct transcription of a conversation I have on a regular basis. I'm prone to over-explanation where old Sci-fi movies are concerned.

One night, long ago, at an open-mic the comic in front of me mentioned The Creature from the Black Lagoon. When I got on stage I pointed out that most people don't know there were three Creature from the Black Lagoon movies. The original which everyone knows, Revenge of the creature, where they capture the creature and put him in an aquarium, where he takes the horrible revenge of ... trying to escape. Then the third was The Creature Walks Among Us, in which they capture the creature and surgically remove his gills and dress him up in a suit in an attempt to make him human. They still keep him in a pen out behind the lab though.

Halfway through describing the third movie my friend Bob yelled "MEYER, YOU ARE A DORK!"

(Here's Bob's myspace, just because he's a great guy.)

While I'm promoting old friends, my wife's former improv group, which was founded by two of the three guys in this image, does lots of what they call "Long Form Improv". Basically, it's an entire shows worth of improvised comedy with a single cohesive narrative. It's very difficult to make it work, and they do it really well. Anyhoo, below is the trailer for their latest project. The trailer alone made me laugh out loud more than once.

How to Make Someone Grateful For the Sci-fi Movies Hollywood Is Making Today

2008-06-12T01:58:00Z

Last Instructions

Ka cheesa crispa Greedo?

2008-06-09T00:04:22Z

The inspiration for this strip was a coworker holding the door open for me while standing in such a way as to block 70% of the door with his body. I was forced to turn sideways, much like the Millennium Falcon squeezing through a ravine. As I slid past him I felt compelled to thank him, and was instantly disgusted with myself.

On the subject of the Millennium Falcon, or at least her captain, I got into an argument with a coworker today. He's twenty years old and told me with great authority that Greedo shot first. I'm sorry, his exact words were "that green guy shot first". I told him that in the special edition he was right, but in the original version of the film not only did Han shoot first, but "that green guy" didn't live to shoot at all.

He shook his head and said no. He assured me that he was right. After all, he "owns the dvd."

I've got to learn to let this kind of thing go.

How to Accept Help That Isn't Helpful

2008-06-08T23:48:13Z

Last Instructions

Funny things

2008-06-05T01:14:21Z

It's a funny thing. The strip from last Sunday was drawn nearly two months ago. Today's strip was done last week. It was only as I posted it that I realized how similar they are.

In honor of today's strip, I've created a new shirt! It's available in men's and women's styles, but only men's is available in chocolate brown.

Another funny thing, I was working on a strip today (you'll see it in a month or two, right after an almost identical strip no doubt). In it I'm insulting someone. I realized I could make it me insulting Mullet Boss (a fictional character) or my friend Ric (a real person). I chose to insult Ric, because I've been picking on Mullet Boss a lot lately. Wouldn't want to hurt the imaginary person's feelings.

Hey! Here's the final front cover art for my book!

The book will be available on September 1st, and will contain new material. That new material will include:

-Commentary on many of the comics.

-A strip that will only be available in the book.

-A foreword written by my friend Ric which will ensure that I'll never be welcome in my home town again.

I am so excited about this thing I can hardly breathe.